IMG_2249As I rolled over to seek more sleep which my body wanted after only 5 hours whilst my head said no stay awake keep thinking, thankfully my heart in my physical body found a greater voice and allowed me to feel.

From nowhere feelings of being apart from you both physically and emotionally started the process of going to where I needed to go – my heart. My body wanted to express how it feels which is sad, alone, frustrated and disconnected from you, our love and our life.

My tears were slow to emerge and honestly there was a part of me which wanted to send them away, to stay in the place of thought, anger and blaming you for where we are now. They did not go away, I decided to go with them and they took me over with an intense vulnerability that showed me who I really am and how I feel about you.

Why the tears? Because I’m in love with you. I want to be with you forever, have adventures, dreams and GROW with you. The journey of our lives together has been incredible and we’ve traded on that love for a long time.

But have I really been in this relationship with 100%? Some of the time yes but other times no. I’ve wanted to protect myself from being hurt, by holding back from saying and expressing how I feel, measuring what you give me and with expectations of you. Self preservation is a curious way to live – why do we feel the need to do it? Everything is either growing or dying. But we hold onto to what we have and who we think we are. Why? Fear maybe which is an emotion I’ve certainly felt acutely during the last few weeks, not all the time thankfully as it’s oscillated with gratitude and abundance, which feel the opposite of fear.

When you are not here I close myself down from you, surviving life rather than living it. The result is lack, restriction and dissatisfaction in all aspects of my life. That is not really who I am but who I become when I don’t live from my heart. It leaves a messy residue which lingers, unspoken and negative. This builds up.

We’re not the same people we were 5 or 15 years ago when we met in June 1999 and our lives changed dramatically. Children have come along, work has changed significantly and we have families. We love our children, our families, our friends and life the majority of time.

“We can do anything, you and me” rings in my ears as the true words you’ve said more than once in our lifetime together.

But what about our passionate connection with each other? How deep is our bond? Has it plateaued? Found its way to the surface? Does it still exist? For me the answer to the last question is yes, but it’s buried under an avalanche. I want to unearth it , make an igloo out of all this deep snow and maybe even live in it for awhile with you. Igloos melt. We’ll have to repair it, change its location, find new materials and support to keep it safe, alive and healthy for us.

I love being with you and spending time together makes my heart sing. You show me a different perspective and way of being which helps me to live a better life. We are different, men and women. Understanding and appreciating these differences in our relationship will help me to see our future together with greater clarity. Doing this, not as before but with openness, compassion and a gentleness for you, without blame and anger feels the only way forward for me to nurture both myself and us. This female radiance feels good, soft, positive and childlike. I like living in this way, it’s better for me long term.

‘The only love you never get to feel is the love you withhold.’ I heard this quote the other day and I totally identified with it as that’s what I do, not loving and feeling 101%, what a shame and a half measured way to live. Giving love unconditionally fills me up, costs nothing, makes me dance wildly and smile wholeheartedly.

I’ve had glimpses over the years of what happens when I am fully with you, in the now, feeling, speaking and connecting with you. I know you know those times too as it’s different between us, our energy and synergy becomes united with no need for words or actions, just being, indivisible, whole.

I love you truly, madly, deeply – forever in my dreams and heart.