I want to write again, to find my voice, to not let the demons of doubt take over or for my body to succumb to insomnia, adrenal fatigue and depression. So I am resurrecting writing my blog after many months of hibernating in fear, firstly about how life might be and then in the feeling of failure.
The longer I persisted the call to action, the worse the fear became. The combination of ignoring my intuition and trying to fit into other peoples’ ideals meant I was out in the cold getting through the days without enjoyment in my life, self or creativity for far too long.
I took some time in January to complete Leonie Dawson’s 2015 Create Your Shining Year Workbook which really helps to reflect and celebrate 2014 before giving thinking about your plans and dreams for 2015. It’s a powerful document that gathers momentum as you ponder and commit to paper the decisions and goals YOU want to accomplish in life.
Under the heading: “2014 led me to….” I wrote “FALL APART!! BIG TIME with a grand period of depression, to experience panic attacks for the first time in my life, to visit a doctor regarding my mental health and to question aspects of my entire life.”
Finally I am accepting that failure is OK. It doesn’t mean that you can’t do something ever again. In fact it’s necessary to fail at things in life and get yourself back up in a different way as life has moved on, hopefully with the added benefits of wisdom, experience and hindsight.
I lost how to trust this process and to keep showing up for example on my blog. I couldn’t be out there and visible with how I was feeling in the online world as it felt too dark to expose and to see in black and white. Plus it might elicit too much sympathy, which I couldn’t handle last year. Facebook isn’t for moaning or saying how you feel unless it’s positive. This has always been view and so I hid away with just the odd post on mental health.
Instead I filled notebooks with ramblings, read a lot on the internet, spoke and shared with close friends, took an e-course on love and forgiveness and meditated a lot. But I did transform in the real world by being honest with the people close to me and complete strangers about how I was truly feeling on the inside, sharing my fears and anxieties.
The only certainty that I have is myself. You can’t find reassurance or the answers to your problems or anxieties in others. They are within you and only you. You can question yourself but you shouldn’t doubt it to a place of paralysis. However, lots of us do on a daily basis. It’s hard to know that ‘it will pass’ when you’re in such an emotional state but it does. The key for me is having a set of tools, which I know work for me right then and there. They don’t take the problems away but they help in those heightened moments of despair.
My voice feels stronger and as the connection to my inner voice gets stronger everyday, I’ve decided to write about all the many topics which interest me including: health, well-being, creativity, nutrition, being wild and my life in France. I also have a number of walking adventures, books and retreats in the planning stages which I hope to share with you.
Inspiring women to be the best most authentic version of themselves – is my raison d’etre and also the message to myself too.
In the next few weeks I will share some of the tools and techniques I use and do to help myself when facing anxiety and dealing with fear.
F E A R is a song by Ian Brown. I bought the album Music of the Spheres on the strength of hearing this track after watching him in concert. I love the violins and relate to the line ‘you got the fear,’ which I accept lovingly now in my life.
I have just realised whilst reading the lyrics on Youtube how the acronym FEAR is used throughout this clever song. Another a-ha moment in the slow to connect mind of me! Fukin ‘Ell Ali Rara-head!!! Is my own personal FEAR acronym as I celebrate in knowing I have learnt something knew today!!
• For Everything A Reason
• Forgive Everybody And Remember
• Fantastic Expectations Amazing Revelations
• Finding Everything And Realising – YOU GOT THE FEAR!!!